So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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