You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just invented taco cereal.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
