im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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