Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
