I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
