The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
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Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
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I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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