He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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