I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
