What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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