I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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