how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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