Duck Duck Cougar?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
