My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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