My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
