i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
