Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
