Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my being single is dangerous.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
