I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Will you blow on my dice?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
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I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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