i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
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some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie