she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
