Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
