Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
