the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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