woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
