just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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