Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
