I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
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THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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