We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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