Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
