just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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