like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
