Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
