he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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