dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You smell like stripper and shame
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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