Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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