if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
