got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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