how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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