I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
