So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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