Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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