Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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