I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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