so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
