my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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