and you said cock pushups were impossible
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
