The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
