I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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