Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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