i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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