im about as happy as oj after his trial
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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