Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
