i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
how drunk are you?
Several
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
