My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
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Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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