i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
