Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
