This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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