i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
