Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
