I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
